If your birthday is this week: You will discover that your roommate can easily mistake fireworks for candles when assembling a birthday cake.
Aries: The stars say, that old jar of Tzatziki sauce has been in your fridge so long it’s now officially Tzatziki wine.
Taurus: You will be fondled by a meter maid and she will still ticket you.
Gemini: The birds that live near your house raise enough money so you can build a curtain over your skylight in the bathroom.
Lemini: Making appetizers from some old weeds in your garden turns out to be economical, but not very tasty.
Cancer: Your date will not be happy that you attempted to have sex with her. Next time, wait until you leave the restaurant.
Leo: You will not rate the next movie you see very highly, mostly because it’s a hygiene film they show all the prisoners when they are assigned a cell.
Virgo: Your dog will learn how to text you, but only by speaking in obscenities.
Libra: This week, the stripper at the bar you frequent will hand you back your two dollars and ask you to leave.
Scorpio: Your contraception will fail this week, but then again, willpower isn’t much of a contraception.
Sagittarius: Your car will be towed to a better neighborhood.
Capricorn: A C.H.U.D. sewer monster will offer you a pamphlet on why you should be eating more fiber.
Aquarius: Bill O’Reilly will scream at you while you stand in line at an ice cream truck. He apparently hates the liberal flavors.
Pisces: Sit back and relax, your investments will finally mature and those Pokemon cards will sell.
