If your birthday is this week: Your family will finally hold an intervention about all the time you’ve spent watching Downton Abbey.
Aries: This week, you will run out of Russian dressing. You’ll be forced to bandage your Russian with something else.
Taurus: That guy that keeps trash talking you on Xbox finally gets pwnd when you bang his girlfriend during a GTA session and put the headset on her.
Gemini: Trash talk on Xbox leads to an end of your current relationship.
Lemini: You will discover that the “wizard” you met behind the pet store isn’t a wizard, but his weed is still pretty boss.
Cancer: The stars say, that guy that used to beat you up in high school will be your pizza delivery guy. Enjoy.
Leo: Don’t eat to the bottom of your soup or you’ll see the finger. Otherwise, it’s pretty good soup.
Virgo: Your cat will demand full medical coverage.
Libra: The FDA won’t approve your cancer drug, mostly because they insist it’s just cola mixed with chocolate syrup.
Scorpio: A dispute over a parking lot space will lead to sex in the back of a Nissan Altima. The sex will be good, but you still won’t get the space.
Sagittarius: Kayne West will suddenly burst into your apartment looking for his sunglasses, when you suggest that maybe he left them in his car, he snaps his fingers, says “Yes!” and runs out.
Capricorn: Nothing happens to you this week, other than you stay in your coma.
Aquarius: After a car accident with a breakfast truck, you negotiate repairs to your bumper down to a short stack with bacon on the side.
Pisces: Your comic book convention will be full of awesome.
