I used to really enjoy going to the movies.  But recently, they’ve gotten too expensive for me and with Netflix being only $8 a month, I can pretty much see a shitty movie whenever I want in the comfort of my own home.  Here’s why I’m not going to see these movies:

Evil DeadYou lost me at “The most terrifying film you will ever experience”, because that clearly sounds like you’re never going to live up to my expectations.  Now add “or your money back” and then I’d go see it.

Olympus Has Fallen:  So I’m expected to believe that the most powerful country in the world gets its capitol taken over by terrorists?  What am I, five?  They arrest and blow up people just for thinking about attacking the White House.  They already made this movie and it’s called Red Dawn.  If your arm is tired from waving an American flag all day, every day, then maybe you need to see this.  I don’t even think I’d see this movie as a joke, despite the presence of Morgan Freeman.

The Call:  Halle Berry plays a dispatcher that takes a 911 call from a woman who is in a trunk and being kidnapped.  The trailer pisses me off for several reasons.  First off, every one of the dispatchers in the trailer is obviously a hot actress, including Berry.  Every one I’ve seen on the news is overweight from sitting all day because of their job.  Second, the trailer shows the whole fucking movie.  What possible scene is left out of that montage?  You know Berry must survive and she must save the girl or the movie would playing in some kind of arthouse theater.  And third, why would I pay ten dollars for a movie that’s been done on TV like a million times?  Did no one working on this film ever watch half a season of Law & Order?

Inappropriate Comedy:  Here’s my question: How can you make a two-hour comedy movie and not have one funny line to show in the trailer?  That opening line with Adrian Brody parodies a movie from 1983.  (Clint Eastwood in Sudden Impact.)  The movie is obviously aimed at teens and 20-somethings, so who the fuck wrote these “jokes”?  This trailer made Movie 43 look watchable.  I’m pretty sure that you could take five random people off the street and have them write a funnier bit than, “Go ahead, make me gay.”  That doesn’t even make any sense.

G.I. Joe Retaliation:  This movie looks so bad, I think if you just played music and explosions instead of the dialogue, the audience would probably enjoy it just as much.  I mean, did anyone making this movie see the first G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra?  That movie made me want to punch the 80’s in the throat.  It’s a fucking toy line and the cartoon made more sense to me than the film.  Making a sequel to this steaming pile is like building your house on quicksand, watching it sink and saying, “You know what?  I’m gonna build another house right there!”

The Host:  You lost me at “from the Creator of Twilight”.

Oblivion:  Tom Cruise really ought to start calling his movies, “Tom Cruise Does X” or “Tom Cruises Stops Y”.  Like MI movies could be called “Tom Cruise Stops Terrorists 1 thru 4” and that Jack Reacher movie should just be called “Tom Cruise Beats Up Some Dudes”.  Now we’ve already had “Tom Cruise vs. the Martians”, I think this one should be called “Future Tom Cruise”.  I may actually go see this movie because really, it’s like seeing “The Further Adventures of Tom Cruise”.

Okay, that’s all I can stand to talk about.  If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go watch Archer reruns on Netflix.