Movies are expensive these days and I’m broke. You gotta really inspire me to get my $10.50 plus popcorn. Here now is another installment of Why I’m Not Seeing These Movies.
Scary Movie V: Because I haven’t seen Scary Movie I thru IV and I’ll be totally lost? I’ll admit it, I enjoy Two and Half Men with Charlie Sheen. So why am I going to pay this money when I can see him AND Lyndsay Lohan for free on FX in Anger Management? Quite frankly, I don’t want to see either. The last thing that I enjoyed Charlie Sheen in was that commercial for the tiny car where he drives around the house. Plus, I’m not 12, so fuck this franchise.
The Croods: I will say that the Croods is probably a half-way decent animated movie. And I could score some husband points because the Missus does want to see it. But I am wary of anything with the word “family” in the description that isn’t a mob movie.
Jurassic Park 3D: Did not really enjoy this movie in 2D. It’s not particularly tension-building for me because I picked out all the characters that were going to live and die ten minutes into the film. 3-D isn’t going to help. In fact, 3-D is pretty fucking annoying these days. You know it was novel and fun for a tiny window of time. Now it just seems like another reason to charge me five dollars.
Oz The Great and Powerful: Don’t like the buzz on this movie. It’s a shame, because the cast looks good. I’d rather wait for James Franco in this movie.
Tyler Perry’s—: Okay, let me just stop you right there. No. I’m probably a total hypocrite considering every comic I put my name in front of, but no. No thank you, no.
Jack the Giant Slayer: How is this not on Netflix yet? I don’t even think I’ll watch this when it does come on Netflix. It just looks like more CGI stuff. I have plenty of video games. Do the people that make these movies not know about video games?
Admission: C’mon. Unless this movie is directly by David Wain, I know exactly what it is. It’s a chick flick with some amusing moments. It’s Date Night, but without Marky Mark and the ridiculous spy stuff. Tina Fey is hilarious and Paul Rudd is as well, but this is clearly a vehicle to sell them as romantic leads. Who wants to see that? I don’t want to see them get together. Paul Rudd in Role Models? Genius. And I want to see Tina Fey totally miserable and stuffing her face like on 30 Rock. She wants to try new things, that’s fine. Not on my dime though.
All right, that’s all I can stand. It’s just a wasteland until the summer. Thank God I have free HBO for another few months. I’m going to watch A Game of Thrones.
