Super Frat

Movies are expensive and I’m broke.  Unless you’ve got Robert Downey Jr. in a flying suit of armor, you’d better bring it for my $10.50 plus box of Snow caps.  Here is Why I’m Not Seeing These Movies.

The Hangover III:  Although the first one is great, I think I’m still owed a refund from II.  Not everything is a franchise, fellas.

The Internship:  A two hour commercial for Google?  Really?  I think I might just watch Wedding Crashers again.

Fast and Furious 6:  What can I say?  I’m not a gearhead that spends his weekends polishing a chrome-plated motor so I can show it off in a parking lot of a State Fair.  I mean, they could probably substitute all the dialogue in this movie for “Duuuuuh!” and I’m pretty sure it would play out about the same way.

After Earth:  Every time I see Jaden Smith in a movie, I now think of this Key & Peele sketch.  I always thought Will Smith was okay in movies, until I saw I am Legend, which made me wish I was watching The Wild, Wild West or MIB2.  New rule, if you make $100 million dollars in the movies, you just retire and let someone else be in it.  And kids of celebrities must change their name and make it on their own.

Now You See Me:  The commercial did look cool and it’s not an awful premise, but these movies go too big.  Even from the trailer, you’ve got a cop hunting the thieves and he just “knows” they did it.  Cops have immense power these days.  No way these guys don’t get caught.  Sure, it’s a fantasy, but if you don’t make it believable to me, I’m out.  This suspiciously looks like one of those trailers that can’t deliver what they enticingly promise.

Star Trek: Into Darkness:  This sequel had problems from the moment I saw the poster and someone compared it to another poster from a different movie and it looked very similar.  There’s a lot of good buzz on this film, but the moment I hear it was written by Damon Lindelof (writer of Prometheus), Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman (two of the seven writers with Lindelof on Cowboys and Aliens), I was like, GTFO.  Fuck this.  No way.  There is no way I’m handing my money to anyone who wrote those two abominations.

Spare me your Neo-Trekkie arguments.  I liked the first movie.  Orci and Kurtzman wrote it.  I still had problems with it, but found it acceptable enough to build the relaunched franchise.  But bring in the guy that wrote Prometheus?  C’mon.  I lost IQ points sitting through that movie.  A brutal, brutal prequel, in my view.  I will wait it out for Netflix or HBO or whatever.  Other than Iron Man 3, there’s only one other movie I have to see this summer and it’s this one.