If your birthday is this week: Throw your birthday cake through the window and get down. Then never order from the Al Qeada Bakery again.
Aries: Your right nipple will itch this week.
Taurus: Your YouTube parody of Breaking Bad causes Bryan Cranston to come to your house and beat the shit out of you in character.
Gemini: You will be mugged by a mime. Fortunately, he only gets your mime wallet.
Lemini: You will be sexually molested by one of the exhibits in the petting zoo.
Cancer: Your GPS will lead you to drive into an Olympic sized swimming pool.
Leo: Your “special” garden will be discovered by the cops. Maybe you shouldn’t have buried all those dead hobos under all that weed.
Virgo: A judge will tell you that he would’ve dismissed the streaking charges if you hadn’t taken a shit on second base.
Libra: Your ideal for a video game about waiting in line at the DMV is bought by EA Games.
Scorpio: You will make sweet love in your car, but the car wash worker still won’t give you a discount on the detailing.
Sagittarius: You will find out your neighbor is not have loud sex in the next apartment, he just likes to punch the wall while he’s watching porn at top volume.
Capricorn: Turns out, that meth addict was a wizard and he grants you three wishes. Unfortunately, he is still a meth addict, so all the wishes just get you more meth.
Aquarius: Your roommate will call out your name the next time he masturbates.
Pisces: You will have your cake and eat it too. Mostly, it’s because you’re drunk and someone dares you to eat vomit.
