If your birthday is this week: You will cheat death for another year by beating him in Pokemon cards.
Aries: The stars say from up there, it does look like you’re going bald.
Taurus: A wall in your guest bedroom will collapse, but Vanilla Ice’s warranty is valid, so he comes back to fix it.
Gemini: You will notice the beer on the bar is full again, but after drinking it, you’ll realize that beer doesn’t belong to you. Fortunately, no one sees because it’s 6 am and you broke into the bar.
Lemini: Your cellmate will wish you a happy birthday while raping you.
Cancer: You’ll visit a sexy car wash run by cheerleaders and one incredibly hairy fat guy.
Leo: You will get drunk at an old age home and discover 85 dollars in ones is your underwear the next day.
Virgo: You will discover that shaming yourself after getting drunk makes the obscenities across your chest a lot easier to read.
Libra: A librarian will kick in your front door, point a gun in your face and scream, “Where’s the book?!”
Scorpio: Not that you care, but those people you just had sex with were not Nicholas Cage and Kate Hudson. They were Tom Seizemore and Bree Olsen.
Sagittarius: Someone will fill your mailbox with whipped cream. This will delight your mailman.
Capricorn: Your trip to Atlantic City will end with you throwing Donald Trump’s toupee into a volcano, finally lifting the curse.
Aquarius: The ghost of Francis Scott Key will appear to you and ask you to explain to him what hip hop is.
Pisces: Your “Captain Brunch” mascot idea has already been done.
