If your birthday is this week: Someone will leave your birthday cake out in the rain. You won’t be able to take it, because it took so long to bake it and you’ll never have that recipe again.
Aries: You will discover that roadkill can be cooked in the microwave, but it won’t kill all the parasites.
Taurus: This week, you’ll realize your martial arts instructor is just a really angry guy that likes to hit people.
Gemini: You will be watching TV and suddenly realize that you’ve been wasting time. If you had two TV’s side by side, you could watch twice as much.
Lemini: Don’t worry, that rash will go away in plenty of time for your funeral.
Cancer: You will try some deep fried butter and hear the faint screams of your arteries.
Leo: With the snow melting, you will discover an inordinate amount of dildos buried in the melting snowbank near your house.
Virgo: You will get incredibly drunk and fight a bar patron you dub, “The Indestructible Man”. Later, you realize you got into a fight with a bronze statue.
Libra: Your passive aggressive notes finally work and everyone starts behaving exactly the way a completely psycho controlling little bitch wants.
Scorpio: You will have two of your sex tapes online at the same time competing for hits.
Sagittarius: You will punch a Capricorn, but you’re no douchebag.
Capricorn: Some douchebag will punch you.
Aquarius: Your trip to Staples ends in a screaming match about toner.
Pisces: You will become trapped in a Costco. By the time they find you, you’ve gained 20 pounds.
