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Sep20

Your Fratoscope: September 20, 2015

by tonyd on September 20, 2015 at 12:01 am

FratoScopeHeader

If your birthday is this week:  For no reason, your cake will be shaped like Vladmir Putin’s nose.

Aries:  The ghost of Abraham Lincoln will appear to you and demand a licensing fee for every penny you used over the years.

Taurus:  Your pizzeria cook will get incredibly high and send you $14.95 with cheese on it and demand a box.

Gemini:  This week, prepare for everyone you meet talking in rhyme.

Lemini:  The next gorilla you meet will claim to be able to predict lottery numbers, but that’s just a ruse to get you to have sex with him.

Cancer:  Your co-workers will prank you by getting themselves all fired and leaving you with all the work.

Leo:  Beware of V-shaped collars this week.

Virgo:  You’ll forget to read Your Fratoscope this week.

Libra:  You’ll be followed by an extremely affectionate or hungry coyote.

Scorpio:  Using a black light in your apartment reveals that you really need to repaint and burn all your furniture.

Sagittarius:  Your video game avatar attempts to upgrade you.

Capricorn:  You’ll cut yourself on a post-it note, you pussy.

Aquarius:  An angry, serial baker will attempt to forcibly cover you in icing.

Pisces:  The Pope will visit your city and this time…it’s personal.

└ Tags: Abraham LIncoln, Aquarius, Aries, astrology, Cancer, Capricorn, comedy, frat boy, funny, Gemini, horoscope, humor, Lemini, Leo, Libra, Pisces, predictions, psychic, psychic frat boy, Sagittarius, Scorpio, signs, Super Frat, Taurus, Tony DiGerolamo, Virgo, Your Fratoscope, zodiac
1 Comment
Sep19

Ten Things I Expect on the New Star Wars Planes

by tonyd on September 19, 2015 at 12:01 am

SF Tony Avatar

They’ve launched these new Star Wars planes.  Will the merchandising never end?!  Here now is what I expect on them.

  1. Passengers saying, “This is not the window seat I’ve been looking for.”
  2. Tiny booze bottles shaped like R2-D2.
  3. Co-pilots doing Chewbacca impersonations.
  4. Every time there is turbulence C3PO tells the passengers the odds of surviving.
  5. Pilots playing this every time they walk onto the plane.
  6. Passengers saying to the stewardess, “I find your lack of peanuts disturbing.”
  7. Pilots wearing white shirts and black vests.
  8. Jedis get to board and exit the plane first.
  9. Droids that do not fit in the overhead compartment must be checked.
  10. In the event that the cabin depressurizes, you must breathe into the Darth Vader mask that drops from the ceiling.
└ Tags: C3PO, Chewbacca, comedy, Darth Vader, funny, humor, Jedi, jetliners, list, pilots, planes, R2-D2, Star Wars, Star Wars planes, stewardess, Super Frat, Ten Things I Expect, Tony DiGerolamo, top ten
1 Comment
Sep18

Rewritten Headlines: Pearl Harbor to Bush

by tonyd on September 18, 2015 at 12:01 am

RewrittenNewsDeskWerewolf

Pearl Harbor Heightens Security

GTA 5 Character Comes to Life

Gay People to Finally Get Fat

Old Woman Still Sings in NYC

Kevin is the New Andre

We’re All Gonna Die

Man Really Plans His Lunch

Adorable Disaster Approaching

Teachers Still Underpaid

Whacking It Gets You an Upgrade

Politician Tries Really Hard Not to be President

 

└ Tags: $1500, black holes, bunnies, China, comedy, funny, GTA 5, humor, iPhone 6, Jeb Bush, Madonna, Pearl Harbor, Porn Star, Rainbow Doritos, Rewritten Headlines, Rewritten News, sandwich, sperm bank, stupid, Super Frat, teacher, Tony DiGerolamo
1 Comment
Sep16

Twitter in Focus: Elon Musk

by tonyd on September 16, 2015 at 12:01 am

Hey Bros!

Welcome to Twitter in Focus where media comes to die!  Today’s contestant is billionaire genius, Elon Musk.  Before he’s off to Mars, let’s see what he’s tweeting.

@elonmusk

August 17th:  “Article on @SpaceX and colonizing Mars by @waitbutwhy http://waitbutwhy.com/2015/08/how-and-why-spacex-will-colonize-mars.html …”

Marvin the Martian is going to be sooooo popular up there.

August 22nd:  “True, but achieving a long range affordable electric vehicle has always been our long-term goal. Due in late 2017! ”

After the Oatmeal’s review of your car, sounds like you’re already there if you can just make ’em cheaper.

September 2nd:  “With same options, Model X is $5k more than an S due to greater size & body complexity. Sig Series is fully loaded, hence high price.”

Call me when these cars get into the used section of Craigslist.

September 2nd:  “Model 3, our smaller and lower cost sedan will start production in about 2 years. Fully operational Gigafactory needed.”

So about five years after that, I might be able to afford one.

September 2nd:  “First production cars will be handed over on Sept 29 at our Fremont factory”

Or maybe I could win one in a contest.  Although the insurance would be sky-high.

September 12th:  “Btw, not saying we *should* nuke Mars — just layin’ out a few options …”

Nuke Mars?  Shouldn’t we try sanctions first?

September 13th:  “New model for evolution of intelligent life suggests probable emergence 2 billion years ago near galactic center http://online.liebertpub.com/doi/abs/10.1089/ast.2014.1192 …”

Hopefully we’re not going to get a visit any time soon.  I can’t imagine the response from the U.S.  Speaking of nuking space.

September 14th:  “Researchers at @NASA propose using @SpaceX Falcon/Dragon for Mars sample return mission http://news.yahoo.com/red-dragon-mars-sample-return-mission-could-launch-114405239.html …”

So that’s how the zombie apocalypse will start.

September 14th:  “Dragon 2 is designed to land on any surface (liquid or solid) in the solar system. Am glad to see people thinking about applications!”

Neat!

September 14th:  “In expendable mode, Falcon Heavy can send a fully loaded Dragon to Mars or a light Dragon to Jupiter’s moons. Europa mission wd be cool.”

You should probably examine those samples on a space station.  I mean you could bring back some kind of bacteria that kills us all.

Okay, let’s rate Elon’s tweets.  Well, since the guy is changing the world.  Brings a whole additional weight to the tweets.  I give him a 5 for Insanity, 8 for Mustness and a 10 for Style.  That’s an overall score of 7.6, but I’m rounding it up to 9 because hey—  The guy is going to Mars and building electric cars!  You should follow him!

And if you have an equally awesome suggestion for Twitter in Focus, email me here.

└ Tags: billionaire, electric car, Elon Musk, genius, inventor, Mars, rating, review, Super Frat, Tony DiGerolamo, tweet, Twitter, Twitter in Focus
1 Comment
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