If your birthday is this week: Your mom ends up lighting those joints you hid with the birthday candles, so there will be no leftover cake.
Aries: You will get into a very exaggerated fist fight with William Shatner.
Taurus: You’ll discover that the old meat in the fridge was actually new cheese.
Gemini: You will find that hitting on your waitress does not constitute a tip.
Lemini: Take the day off, your boss is about to fire you anyway.
Cancer: Your new video game podcast should probably include stuff about video games, instead 20 minutes of complaining about your ex.
Leo: You’ll be mugged by one of the mid-sized Muppets. You’ll be broke, but it will be hilarious.
Virgo: Don’t buy that time share from that door -to-door salesman, he’s just a very sleazy Mormon looking to make some extra cash.
Libra: While you’re on break, your SO will cheat on you with someone cosplaying as you.
Scorpio: The guys that work at the car wash will insist you remove the dildos from the trunk if you want it cleaned next time.
Sagittarius: Your resume will be rejected by the ISIS recruiter.
Capricorn: Turns out, your SO is still kind of mad since they changed their Facebook profile status to “dating some dumbass”.
Aquarius: The stars say, if you don’t want your dog overcooked, stop walking him up and down the volcano.
Pisces: You will lose $20K in a high stakes game of Solitaire.
