If your birthday is this week:  The stars say, call the cops.  That’s not a surprise party waiting inside, someone is robbing your place.  The stars would’ve done it, but the stars don’t want to get involved.

Aries:  Your gum themed restaurant will be a failure.

Taurus:  Oh, God!  You didn’t buy the lottery ticket and all your numbers came out!  Oh, God!

Gemini:  You game of Candyland ends in a Beer Pong tournament, which then ends in a fist fight.

Lemini:  You will pursue your love until you catch the runaway pizza.

Cancer:  Someone will give you a business card, but all it will say is, “This is just a distraction, I walked away while you were reading this.”

Leo:  You will find your happy place, but it will be closed for the season.

Virgo:  This week, you’ll discover that getting that getting that horrible tattoo in 8th grade hurt your credit score.

Libra:  You’ll be disappointed to find out that there is no hoverboard championship race.

Scorpio:  You’ll have sex with a meter maid, which is easier than interpreting the parking signs in your city.

Sagittarius:  You’ll be haunted by the ghost of Frosty the Snowman, who will demand to know why it’s so hot in January.

Capricorn:  You will dance like no one is watching, but get arrested because lots of people were watching and very disturbed.

Aquarius:  You’ll finally rake those leaves.

Pisces:  You’ll finally rake those leaves from 2014.