If your birthday is this week: Your mother’s various boyfriend’s throw you a birthday party, but it’s shut down by the fire department due to over occupancy.
Aries: You’ll lose your mom at the third or fourth bar sometime on Mother’s Day, you lightweight.
Taurus: Your mother enjoys her new handgun so much, the next liquor store she robs will be in your honor.
Gemini: Despite your mother’s best efforts, she’s unable to break out of prison in time to be with you today.
Lemini: Your mom sends you an email warning you that her new video on Pornhub makes her look fat.
Cancer: When you arrive with your mother’s Mother’s Day cake her first question will be “Nice and what are you going to eat?”
Leo: Your mom insists on you not wrapping her gift because she’s just going to shoot the heroin anyway.
Virgo: Your mother’s apocalyptic visions of the future come true and Variety announces a Neighbors 2 sequel.
Libra: You try to see your mom on Mother’s Day, but her zoo habitat is closed on Sunday.
Scorpio: You mother will thank you for the oil drum of KY jelly, which should be enough for her to get through the rest of the weekend.
Sagittarius: Your mom will insist she’s still allergic to you, which is why she’d rather celebrate without you in the Bahamas.
Capricorn: Your mother will explain at the restaurant that it’s not you, it’s her and that she’d rather see her other children for awhile.
Aquarius: The people at the fertilization clinic insist you stop sending them cards this time of year.
Pisces: You buy your awesome mom dinner and tell her about the horoscope column on your comedy site.
