If your birthday is this week:  Your birthday party will be a mystery dinner, meaning that somewhere there’s a dinner but you have to figure out where it is.

Aries:  You Pixar animated pitch “Keys” fails to get into development because no one believes a locksmith can be that evil.

Taurus:  You will be bitten by a radioactive spider and gain the superpower of being able to suck the juices out of people.

Gemini:  The stars say, it’s okay to have a cupcake, but just one, fatty.

Lemini:  A magic talking turd offers you three wishes if you kiss him, but then reneges on the wishes and flushes himself down.

Cancer:  The ghost of Babe Ruth will appear and demand you make hotdogs until you’re out of mustard and have to ask him to leave.

Leo:  You will shave your pubic hair in the shape of your girlfriend’s name, but spell it wrong.

Virgo:  Don’t procrastinate any longer, watch some TV.

Libra:  This week, you find out that you’re the last reader of your newspaper, which is why most of the stories have been mentioning you.

Scorpio:  You will have caffeinated sex with the Starbucks barista, which leaves you simultaneously awake and tired.

Sagittarius:  Your neighbors buy you new curtains, not because they like you but because you walk around naked with the windows open.

Capricorn:  A really bad door-to-door salesman will end up buying that old junker car you couldn’t get rid of.

Aquarius:  Your favorite cam girl sends you an email that you’re just too creepy to visit her website anymore.

Pisces:  They hold an intervention, but it doesn’t work.  You still keep buying those Magic Cards.