If your birthday is this week: Your birthday party will be a mystery dinner, meaning that somewhere there’s a dinner but you have to figure out where it is.
Aries: You Pixar animated pitch “Keys” fails to get into development because no one believes a locksmith can be that evil.
Taurus: You will be bitten by a radioactive spider and gain the superpower of being able to suck the juices out of people.
Gemini: The stars say, it’s okay to have a cupcake, but just one, fatty.
Lemini: A magic talking turd offers you three wishes if you kiss him, but then reneges on the wishes and flushes himself down.
Cancer: The ghost of Babe Ruth will appear and demand you make hotdogs until you’re out of mustard and have to ask him to leave.
Leo: You will shave your pubic hair in the shape of your girlfriend’s name, but spell it wrong.
Virgo: Don’t procrastinate any longer, watch some TV.
Libra: This week, you find out that you’re the last reader of your newspaper, which is why most of the stories have been mentioning you.
Scorpio: You will have caffeinated sex with the Starbucks barista, which leaves you simultaneously awake and tired.
Sagittarius: Your neighbors buy you new curtains, not because they like you but because you walk around naked with the windows open.
Capricorn: A really bad door-to-door salesman will end up buying that old junker car you couldn’t get rid of.
Aquarius: Your favorite cam girl sends you an email that you’re just too creepy to visit her website anymore.
Pisces: They hold an intervention, but it doesn’t work. You still keep buying those Magic Cards.