If your birthday is this week: The villagers chase you with pitchforks and torches again, but this week they bring cake.
Aries: You catch your iPhone, iPad and iWatch colluding with your iMac to take over your apartment.
Taurus: Kanye West takes your parking space and offers to sing one of his songs to make up for you. You’ll decline.
Gemini: You will get drunk enough to eat all your roommates postage stamps.
Lemini: Your Call of Duty avatar’s PTSD causes him to just sit on the couch and huff paint whenever you play a game.
Cancer: After you hit a deer with your car, a second deer with 5 o’clock shadow and a cigarette in his mouth will hand you an envelope full of money.
Leo: The fridge gremlins will visit you tonight and loosen all your condiment lids so they have a 1/4″ of water on top of your mustards and ketchups.
Virgo: The stars say, you’ll hurt your wrist swiping on Tinder you judgmental a-hole.
Libra: You’ll eat some stinky cheese, which you’ll later find out was actually hardened mayo.
Scorpio: You’ll flash the pope.
Sagittarius: You’ll be asked by your mugger to fill out a comment card.
Capricorn: This week, take some time to reconnect with family. The basement they’re locked in is probably out of food by now.
Aquarius: You’ll drink a surprising amount of hand sanitizer this week.
Pisces: You’ll walk around Lowe’s for 40 minutes looking around and forget what you came into buy.