If your birthday is this week: A group of puppets will throw you a surprise party. Unfortunately, their puppeteers leave before you unwrap gifts.
Aries: The stars say, change your underwear. It’s skid city down there.
Taurus: You will receive wise counsel from the next churro vendor you meet.
Gemini: Your homemade salsa does not go over well. Maybe next time, don’t use your lawnmower and lawn mower bag to dice the tomatoes.
Lemini: This week, your mechanic gives you an estimate. He says, you’ll probably die alone.
Cancer: Your roommate has sex inside the fridge again. Get your air conditioner fixed.
Leo: Your movie theater will attempt to charge you an extra two dollar “seat fee”.
Virgo: You will get carded at the toy store.
Libra: Your test drive will turn into a road trip and eventually a police man hunt.
Scorpio: You will get your usual booth at the dildo convention.
Sagittarius: Installing a slip and slide in your driveway causes your mailman to squeal “Wheeeeee!” every time he delivers your mail.
Capricorn: Lock your windows, the racoons are regrouping.
Aquarius: You will see hobos making sweet love on a public beach.
Pisces: You finally put the snow shovel away.