Movies are expensive and I am always broke. When it comes to movies, beggars can be choosers. Here now is another installment of, “Why I’m Not Seeing These Movies”.
Delivery Man: Vince Vaughn, what happened? Was he forbidden to see the good movies he was in? Why do they take an actor, who plays a great and fun sleazy guy and keep putting him in family movies? Why? Like why wasn’t he in the first Hangover? Look, Bradley Cooper was great in it, but how awesome would Vince Vaughn have been? I can’t see this movie because seeing Vince Vaughn in this role just makes me sad.
About Time: I love time travel movies and yet, this looks like the cheesiest use of time travel since The Time Traveler’s Wife. Please. Do something cool with time travel or just make the same God damned Romantic comedy and be done.
Free Birds: Time traveling turkeys go back to stop the first Thanksgiving? Are they trying to make me hate time travel? Please, we all love to eat turkey. What next? Will future sandwiches go back in time to save their bread ancestors? No. Not happening.
The Starving Games: Brought to you by the same guys who make the same comedy movies year after year. “Hey, look! I done ten Internet searches about what teens are watching! Now I’ll parody them all! Crazy huh?” These movies would insult the intelligence of people who don’t even know what “insult your intelligence” means.
Frozen: Did Disney run out of public domain fairy tales to use? I can always tell these are going to be dull by the trailer, which doesn’t really mention much about the story or characters except how “wacky” they are.
Tyler Perry’s A Madea Christmas: You lost me at Tyler Perry’s.
Walking with Dinosaurs: Otherwise known to me as the “Land Before Wasting My Time” or “Jurassic Suckfest”. Go back to making dancing penguins, Hollywood.
Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones: Bat meet dead horse. You do the rest.
Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit: Does it make any sense to do political thrillers anymore when most people in Hollywood don’t seem smart enough or ballsy enough to grasp the complex problems that face us today? Maybe I’ve just gotten way too politically savvy doing the Antiwar Comic, but unless you start the movie out showing how vast, wasteful and murderous the American Empire is— Then it usually just ends up as a commercial for the army or CIA. There isn’t a country on Earth that’s a serious threat to the U.S. Military and most of the so-called “terrorists” operate on such a shoestring budget, they have to hope some crazy sympathizers to their cause already in the U.S. do the damage via the Anarachists Cookbook or something.
I mean, I tried watches Homeland, a TV show everyone RAVES about and I couldn’t get through the first episode. The U.S. doesn’t just spend money on counter terrorism. It OVERSPENDS it. On everything. Hell, last time I was in Maryland, I saw bus ads for the CIA recruiting its own security force, which included dogs. So the idea that this one woman, with this one lead gets cut off by the Administration and— Ah, fuck it, I’m way off track here.
Suffice it to say that the era of Tom Clancy’s Jack Ryan is long past, so I doubt it will connect with today’s “Let’s-drone-everyone-and-forget-it” crowd. So I’m certainly not ponying up my last few sheckles to hear some Hollywood propaganda piece starring the other Captain Kirk. Hell, I didn’t even see the second new Star Trek movie.
Anyhow, fuck it. I might go see Thor II, but other than that, I’m sticking with Netflix and that’s why I’m not seeing these movies.