If your birthday is this week: Your pizza party becomes a party of one and your special topping: tears. Or you get a pony. Either way.
Aries: It’s better to look forward and keep your eye on the prize, rather than look behind and see that murderous clown chasing you with an ax.
Taurus: You’ll get an email from 1997 and the three million dollars from that Nigerian prince in your bank account. He will apologize for the delay.
Gemini: The remainder of your Axe Body Spray will evaporate, leaving the world a better place.
Lemini: You will dry hump and close friend during a brunch.
Cancer: Batman will crash through your skylight, look around, mutter “Damn GPS” and then recoil his grappling wire to get pulled right back out.
Leo: Right in the middle of your breaking up with your girlfriend, a man will suddenly yell “Cut!” and make you start the entire thing over.
Virgo: Your Netflix expires ten minutes from the end of a really intense mystery movie.
Libra: You’ll fart so loud in the supermarket, you’ll rattle the windows.
Scorpio: You’ll wake up in a strange bed with your favorite sex toy and take home to clean it, only to realize that it was not your sex toy.
Sagittarius: A friend crashes at your place and steals your favorite sex toy.
Capricorn: You’ll stay at a hotel and eat the mint chocolate left on the pillow, only to realize that it’s actually a chocolate condom left behind by another guest.
Aquarius: You’ll will focus on your career because you’re a pilot and not getting those glasses was really causing problems.
Pisces: You’ll mistake cake batter for pudding, but it will be a delicious mistake.