If your birthday is this week: You’ll catch your birthday clown going through your party guest’s coat pockets.
Aries: With a bull charging, you’ll suddenly realize that you’re at least two bullfighting lessons short of being able to properly bullfight.
Taurus: Your therapist will turn to you in the middle of your session and say, “Jesus Christ! Do you ever stop complaining?!”
Gemini: You will win a complimentary hornet’s nest.
Lemini: You’ll discover $50,000 worth of arcade tokens.
Cancer: Your dentist will keep explaining what Tic Tac’s are and winking.
Leo: The stars say, don’t give up your dreams. You’ll probably be able to eat all the flavors of Ben and Jerry’s before diabetes kills you.
Virgo: You’ll over tip your leg waxer and she’ll remove all your body hair from the next down.
Libra: You’ll take your grandfather into the guitar store and he’ll accidentally end up as a back up bassist for the Rolling Stones.
Scorpio: You’ll somehow get a happy ending at the frozen yogurt store.
Sagittarius: This week, barbarians will sack your cubicle and rape your copy machine.
Capricorn: Julian Assange will release your tax returns, giving everyone a good laugh.
Aquarius: You’ll drink a surprising amount of mustard this week.
Pisces: You’ll poop a lot and vow never to eat at Chipotle again.