If your birthday is this week: You will come to the shocking realization that horoscopes are complete bullshit.
Aries: Your online avatar steals your girlfriend.
Taurus: The stars say, your roommate is drinking directly out of the containers in the fridge and it’s grossing the stars out.
Gemini: You will be given a surprise karate lesson by a Japanese mugger.
Lemini: You will become incredibly sad in a hardware store because it’s usually where you did all your shopping for Valentine’s Day for your ex-girlfriends.
Cancer: This week, you’ll suddenly become convinced that no one thinks you’re very good at fly fishing, fortunately you are and you’re just really, really high.
Leo: The ghost of Ernest Borgnine will come to you and insist you run lines with him for a play he’s working on.
Virgo: You’ll hit a turtle and careen off the road, fortunately you’ll be saved by the timely intervention of a giant Italian plumber.
Libra: You’ll stand by your principles when you realize the meth you’ve been cooking isn’t up your standards and that you’d rather whore yourself out for money than smoke substandard product.
Scorpio: You will skew the results of a survey after having sex with the survey taker behind a potted plant in the mall.
Sagittarius: You’re not paranoid, but checking your onions for listening devices is a turn off for your date.
Capricorn: After an argument with your S.O., you will change your Facebook status to “compliant”.
Aquarius: Your farts will begin to smell like bad salad dressing.
Pisces: Thanks to a loophole in state law, you’re allowed one free legal carjacking, but you end up stealing a Prius.