If your birthday is this week: Elon Musk gives you a free one-way ticket to Mars, not because you’re qualified, he just wants you off the planet.
Aries: The dinner you prepare for your date is interrupted when the people that own the house you’re in come home.
Taurus: Mike Pence will cut the line in front of you at Starbucks.
Gemini: You’ll find a genie lamp while raking the leaves and waste your wish so you don’t have to rake leaves.
Lemini: Your parents reveal that they’re not disappointed in you, just every choice that you’ve made.
Cancer: You’ll find a Pokemon Go Stop where someone left behind a kilo of cocaine.
Leo: You’ll ask someone to hold your beer and then you’ll discover the cure for cancer.
Virgo: The stars say, you’ll be accosted by a group of violent turkeys who aren’t going down without a fight this year.
Libra: Turns out, that meme from Facebook wasn’t true and Donald Trump is not giving everyone that voted for him $200 and steaks.
Scorpio: The escort service will refuse to honor your expired coupon.
Sagittarius: This week, you will be invited into Donald Trump’s cabinet, but only if you promise to take the online class at Trump University.
Capricorn: Your personal trainer tells you to either stop eating so many carbs or at least lift up heavier cases of doughnuts.
Aquarius: You bet that your online disagreement will eventually lead to you winning the presidency and everyone is afraid to take the action.
Pisces: You’ll win at the casino, but the cashier only has nickels left.