If your birthday is this week:  You’ll get a Wal Mart Monkey’s Paw for your birthday, so all your wishes have to be under ten dollars.

Aries:  Your Tinder date will turn out to be a puppet.

Taurus:  The stars say, beware of any waiter that approaches your table without pants or a menu.

Gemini:  You’ll walk through Chinatown and get hit by a stray dumpling.

Lemini:  Your pizza delivery guy will give you solid financial advice again.

Cancer:  You’ll dream of eating a giant marshmallow and when you wake up, your giant marshmallow will be gone.

Leo:  Take care at the zoo this week, one of the tiger cages got left open and you usually smell like hotdogs.

Virgo:  Your drone will capture HD footage of your neighbor, through his skylight, taking a shit.

Libra:  You’ll reconnect with an old flame and remember you should’ve called the fire department earlier.

Scorpio:  You will park in an extremely sensual parking space.

Sagittarius:  You’ll rescue a cat, but he turns out he lives in that house and you shouldn’t have broken the window.

Capricorn:  You’ll overcook some pasta or murder someone, either or.

Aquarius:  You’ll play a game of full contact horseshoes.

Pisces:  You’ll discover Tastykake is offering their seasonal strawberry pie and that they are two for two dollars at Wawa.  It’s going to be a filling week.