If your birthday is this week: Your birthday burrito will be stuffed full of candles and wrapping paper.
Aries: Your Hallmark line of “I’m sorry I had sex with your girlfriend/boyfriend” greeting cards is moderately successful.
Taurus: This week, wear water proof shoes. It’ll be better when you piss yourself.
Gemini: The stars say, a cellphone gremlin will try and crack the screen on your smart phone, but you can lose him in the Apple Store.
Lemini: You will rename your penis, then give it back to its owner.
Cancer: The ghost of Ben Franklin appears to you and demands that you find him a ghost whore.
Leo: Your roommate rushes you out of your place because of fire, but once you get outside you remember you don’t have a roommate.
Virgo: President Trump will read your resume and hire you half way through the reading, but fire you a few lines later.
Libra: You will benefit greatly when a peanut butter truck and a chocolate truck collide in front of your house.
Scorpio: Milton Bradley requests that you stop ending all your Twister games with anal.
Sagittarius: You’ll realize the whispering you’re hearing is just the sound of gentle farts.
Capricorn: The Starbucks barista will write “no tipping a-hole” on your latte cup again.
Aquarius: You will find an extremely sensual parking space.
Pisces: You’ll be up all night trying to remember whether or not you’ve ever tried Spam.
