If your birthday is this week: Your birthday party is canceled after more opposite research comes out about you.
Aries: Your imaginary friend comes back to sleep on your couch for two weeks.
Taurus: You will be the victim of a drive-by meme.
Gemini: The stars say, put on some pants or close your curtains or shave your genitals.
Lemini: You’ll quite Facebook and realize you have no actual friends.
Cancer: It will turn out that lemonade stand you visited is part of a Ponzi scheme.
Leo: You’ll spot Mayor McCheese at a Wendy’s and realize he’s a cannibal.
Virgo: This week, you’ll forget what you were supposed to be offended by on Twitter.
Libra: You’ll get really upset at something you saw on Reddit that you’ll write a 15 paragraph denunciation, but not actually read the link.
Scorpio: The door man punches your card at the sex dungeon for the 20th time, which means you get to give him a blow job for free.
Sagittarius: Turns out, that “body” in your attic was just a dufflebag, so you killed all those witnesses for nothing.
Capricorn: The girl scouts threaten to break your legs if you don’t come up with the money for the thin mints you ordered, so apparently they do have badges for everything.
Aquarius: Your doctor will recommend a regime of Sour Patch Kids and video games, which is when you’ll realize he’s 12.
Pisces: Your prediction of the Super Bowl: Eagles 10, Patriots 9, is close, but is off a slight amount of numbers.
