If your birthday is this week:  It’ll be awesome if you think being stranded at a bus stop in the bad neighborhood at night is awesome.

Aries:  You will achieve greatness in using cheese spread.

Taurus:  Your homemade pickles don’t come out, probably because you elected to make them cucumber-free.

Gemini:  Your therapist tells you to stop sharing so much because you’re so messed up.

Lemini:  The pilot will come onto the P.A. system while you’re in mid-flight and ask if anyone packed a parachute for their trip.

Cancer:  Your college professor assures you that your grade would be much better if you were better looking.

Leo:  The Cookie Monster breaks into your house and demands all the Tollhouse cookies or he will cut you bad.

Virgo:  The pizza guy doesn’t not accept your coupon or your marriage proposal.

Libra:  You will be sexually harassed by the next app you download.

Scorpio:  You discover that having sex in zero G is great, except for all the floating jizz.

Sagittarius:  The stars say, punching yourself in the liver is not a good way to prep for Saint Patrick’s Day.

Capricorn:  You will capture that missing Pokemon, but the women in the gym’s locker room have you arrested anyway.

Aquarius:  You’ll realize that the change machine where you dumped all those quarters is actually just a group of clever girl scouts inside a washing machine box painted to look like a change machine.

Pisces:  You will recover from your awesome birthday week and make plans to extend it a full two months.