If your birthday is this week: Your friend will belch you the most beautiful birthday song.
Aries: You’ll thaw out an Neanderthal you find in your basement and he’ll be a really bad roommate.
Taurus: You will sneeze your way into a promotion.
Gemini: Your pizza man drives a Delorean, which is probably why it arrives before you call.
Lemini: Your Tinder meet up ends in a police chase again.
Cancer: You’ll accidentally back over the Predator who is standing behind your car in the driveway.
Leo: This week, you’ll realize making your breakfast in the shower causes more problems then it solves.
Virgo: The doctor will tell you again that marshmallow Peeps do not count as a food group.
Libra: Despite rolling a 300 game, the people in the bowling alley insist that you wear pants and underwear if you want to come back.
Scorpio: Turning on a black light in your room makes it look like a white can of paint exploded in there.
Sagittarius: A light on your car will alert you that your girlfriend is too ugly to ride in the front seat.
Capricorn: The minotaur will finally corner you in the maze and attempt to sell you a time share.
Aquarius: You’ll talk a guy down from the ledge of a building and he’ll land on a minivan with a splat.
Pisces: Internet porn will ask you to give it a break and it’s not you, it’s it.
