If your birthday is this week:  You’ll discover that the bakery will make a birthday cake out of Mac and Cheese if you ask.

Aries:  This week, you’ll lose a political debate with you cat and he voted for Trump.

Taurus:  The stars say, you should stop using cough medicine as a drink mixer and a body lotion.

Gemini:  The ice cream truck driver will weep openly when you mention that you’re going on a diet.

Lemini:  Your Olympic try out is a failure, plus it turns out riding a skateboard and holding onto a moving pick up truck isn’t an Olympic Event.

Cancer:  You will meet the woman of you dreams, but unfortunately, all you ever dream about is getting beat up by Courtney Cox.

Leo:  You’ll eat pizza so old, it has dust on it, but it’s still not that bad.

Virgo:  Your Facebook page will remove you to get someone more interesting to run it.

Libra:  Your attempt to posting something about McDonald’s to get a free burger backfires so bad, you’re beaten by a clown.

Scorpio:  Your public sexual escapade is under appreciated and they are forced to replace the balls in the ball pit.

Sagittarius:  You will meet your doppleganger, but he’ll decide to replace someone who has their shit together instead.

Capricorn:  The guy that keeps mugging you will finally ask you out.

Aquarius: For some reason, everyone at the nudist colony will keep buying you pants.

Pisces:  You’ll find Waldo and he’ll give you $10,000 not to tell anyone.