Super Frat

If your birthday is this week:  You discover that your green birthday cake is too Irish, it has clover-flavored icing.

Aries:  You have the luck of the Irish, so your boss doesn’t notice how drunk you come into work this week.

Taurus:  You capture a leprechaun, but he’ll insist he’s just a very short maintenance guy with red hair.

Gemini:  Your Irish jig goes underappreciated in the public toilet at the bus station.

Lemini:  You’ll finally prove your theory that there’s no mint in Shamrock Shakes, but then you’ll be beaten up by a clown, a burglar and a large purple guy.

Cancer:  You’ll spend the week drunk, so next week’s fortune is going to be totally messed up.

Leo:  You’ll successfully clone a four-leaf clover, but the clone will immediately commit an amazing casino heist and escape to South America.

Virgo:  The stars say, not only will you not catch the leprechaun, but he’ll steal your car.

Libra:  You’ll get drunk and borrow a time machine and that’s how the Hindenberg crashes.

Scorpio:  Your genitals will stay green long after the St. Patty’s Day orgy, so see a doctor.

Sagittarius:  A very tired Easter Bunny will greet you at his door, complain about you waking him up, hand you a calendar and tell you to get the fuck out.

Capricorn:  You’ll discover that Captain Marvel isn’t any better if you’re drunk.

Aquarius: Although the guy from the Craigslist ad attempts to take you hostage, he still sells you the couch.

Pisces:  You need to get your leprechaun addiction under control, fortunately, you can afford rehab.