If your birthday is this week:  Sean Gillis, who originally wasn’t going to show up to your birthday party, changes his mind because he might need the work.

Aries:  Your comic book superhero, Captain Pantless, gets mixed reviews.

Taurus:  The clerk in the mens store points out that you’re wearing the same clothes as the mannequin in the display window and asks you to stop.

Gemini:  You will get a letter from the front lines of the Civil War.

Lemini:   You’ll be banned from Twitter leaving just six people left on the platform.

Cancer:  Your dog will bark until you finally renew her Netflix.

Leo:   The robot you build just keeps smoking pot, playing video games and eating ice cream.

Virgo:  Your roommate finally comes clean about massage you while you sleep, but swears it’s for science.

Libra:   After your car accident, your insurance company loans you a unicorn to get around while your car is being fixed.

Scorpio:  You’ll accidentally use your lube as toothpaste, again.

Sagittarius:  The stars say, the oil you discover on your property is just the sewer line you ruptured by digging.

Capricorn:  It will turn out the creepy guy following you is just the salesman in the hardware store, the real ax murder is that hobo you picked up hitchhiking.

Aquarius:  The drive thru clerk will refuse to give you legal advice.

Pisces:  You’ll eat your way across South Jersey and then fall asleep with your third pork roll.