If your birthday is this week:   The girl that jumps out of your cake fills it with farts.

Aries:  This week, you’ll step in some poop, but fortunately it’ll be yours.

Taurus:   You’ll get into a fist fight with at least two major league mascots.

Gemini:  A very late trick or treater demands candy and then sobs on your stoop for several minutes.

Lemini:  You’ll turn down the opportunity to time travel because you cannot go through the 2016 election again.

Cancer:   Your car will be sideswiped by a blimp.

Leo:   Someone will fill your mailbox with mayonnaise, which works out great for lunch the first two days it’s there.

Virgo:  You will meet the girl of your dreams, but unfortunately you’ve been having nightmares about being harassed by a woman that works for the IRS.

Libra:   You’ll mix up your Tinder and Craigslist emails and end up having sex with someone that wanted to buy your couch.

Scorpio:  The brothel turns you down, saying that you’re overqualified to work there.

Sagittarius:   The supermarket gives you a free turkey, then sells you turkey feed and a pen for it.

Capricorn:   You’ll realize a llama makes a terrible apartment roommate, but not as bad as the monkey.

Aquarius:   Confusing the driving range at the golf course with the gun range, makes for an interesting police report.

Pisces:   Your growing insanity and paranoia only confirms that everyone’s out to get you.