If your birthday is this week:  Your family mistakenly invites commenters from YouTube for your birthday party.

Aries:  Your knock-knock joke incites a fight on a bus.

Taurus:  You will catch a faux-plague from the beggars at the Renaissance Faire.

Gemini:  Your Tinder date turns out to be an Anime pillow.

Lemini:  You will enjoy several years of of great intestinal parasites.

Cancer:  The fact that Disney did not ask you to direct Guardians of the Galaxy 3 has nothing to do with your social media and mostly because you smell like feet.

Leo:  A group of protesters will call your cauliflower purchase “white supremacy”.

Virgo:  The stars say, financial advice proffered in a gas station bathroom is suspect at best.

Libra:  You’ll nearly run over a neighbors dog, but fortunately an impact with a daycare center stops your car.

Scorpio:  That sexy mailman will sue you for sexual harassment again, unfortunately that’s your fetish.

Sagittarius:  You’ll discover that setting a fire is a sure way to get out of work until you leave your car keys inside.

Capricorn:  The robot you build doesn’t clean your house very well, but it does built itself a new attachment to fuck your wife.

Aquarius:  You don’t stop the opioid crisis by trying to take them all, but you think you do.

Pisces:  Your handlers in the witness protection program tell you again to stop posting selfies on Facebook.