If your birthday is this week:  You’ll get very drunk with your birthday clown.

Aries:  Turns out, the guy that bet you that you couldn’t drink an entire bottle of barbecue sauce doesn’t work for “America’s Got Talent”.

Taurus:  You’ll run out of words to reset your Apple ID password.

Gemini:  You’ll realize that the fruitcake you thought you were eating, was actually just a very colorful and tasty flip flop.

Lemini:  Donald Trump will force you to be his Secretary of Agriculture and then fire you two days later.

Cancer:  You’ll suddenly realize Space Jam had a ton of plot holes.

Leo:  A guy claiming to be Lil’ Wayne will borrow your car, then you’ll realize it wasn’t Lil’ Wayne, but then also realize that wasn’t your car.

Virgo:  The panda infestation in your basement grows out of control forcing you to stop raising bamboo in your attic

Libra:  The stars say, you will be molested by someone in a mascot costume.

Scorpio:  The hotel you’re staying at will run out of softcore porn, forcing you to masturbate to 24 hour cable TV news.

Sagittarius:  Your Pokemon monsters want to stop training for a while, they assure you it’s them and not you.

Capricorn:  You will find yourself in a life or death situation after insulting your host’s Jello.

Aquarius:  Setting off fireworks for Memorial Day is fine, but setting them off in a public library turns out to be not fine.

Pisces:  You will eat your weight in grilled meats.