If your birthday is this week:  The man you mother hires to wish you a Happy Birthday, lights your house on fire instead.

Aries:  Your “Basket of Badgers” Mother’s Day arrangement gets mixed reviews.

Taurus:  Your mother thanks you for the Strip-o-Gram and then after the dance, introduces you to your new dad.

Gemini:  Your mom assures you that your passive aggressive Mother’s Day celebration won’t impact her love for you in the slightest.  Not the slightest.

Lemini:  Your brunch with mom goes well, but she complains about the Dairy Queen bathroom’s cleanliness.

Cancer:  Visiting your mother goes great, but the prison guards still refuse to remove her handcuffs so you can hug.

Leo:  This week, your mother will attempt to fix you up with one of her older friends again.

Virgo:  The stars say, call your mother.  It’s the only way she’ll make it out of the woods.

Libra:  Your mother will demand you dance and juggle fire for her amusement.

Scorpio:  Mom doesn’t get home from her orgy until late, so you end up having the celebration without her.

Sagittarius:  Your mother will thank you for the two liter bottle of cough syrup and then disappear back into the homeless shelter.

Capricorn:  Mom buys you a tenth round of tequila and calls you a pussy if you don’t drink.

Aquarius:  After beating up everyone in the bar, you can finally give your mother the flowers you bought.

Pisces:  Mother’s Day brunch goes great, but you really didn’t have to take the whole restaurant hostage to get a table.