If your birthday is this week:  Your birthday cake will be made completely of other discarded cake from more popular people with birthdays that week.

Aries:  You’ll be so upset about the death of Barbara Bush, you’ll completely cancel Barbara Bush Con VII.

Taurus:  The stars say, if you keep eating a banana sensually on the bus, it’s no wonder you get so many people hitting on you.

Gemini:  Your neighbor that keeps having sex with his curtains open, will finally get the message and leave the lights on this week.

Lemini:  Satan decides to cancel your soul contract because he honestly doesn’t want you hanging around him for eternity.

Cancer:  You Matt Damon fan club meeting is ruined when Matt Damon shows up and speaks.

Leo:  You will murder a leprechaun, but no one will catch you because you’ll feed the body to your cat.

Virgo:  Facebook will warn you to stop posting fake news because no one believes you’re getting laid.

Libra:  You will snort something that your friend assures you is magic pixie dust and wake up two states away three days later.

Scorpio:  You will enjoy orgasms on two different theme park rides.

Sagittarius:  Your doctor will touch you in an embarrassing place, but no one in the mall will notice.

Capricorn:  A guy on the subway will convert you to his religion…again.

Aquarius:  What you consider badass, everyone else considers B.O.

Pisces:  Your dog camera will catch your dog forwarding embarrassing emails to your political rivals.