If your birthday is this week:  Most of your birthday party guests are so hungover, you’re forced to swap out your party favors for aspirin.

Aries:  This week, you’ll find a dead little guy in a green outfit floating in your sink.

Taurus:  You’ll discover that the vomit pool at the end of your driveway won’t evaporate in under a week.

Gemini:  You’ll realize the body paint you used the day before is actually just regular green paint.

Lemini:  You’ll wake up in the porta potty you passed out and shit in only to realize that it’s actually your neighbor’s car.

Cancer:  The stars say, the only thing worse than waking up with an ugly person and having to chew off your own arm not to wake them up, is waking up next to a chewed off arm.

Leo:  Despite the end of the party, your sink and shower continues to run green.

Virgo:  The good news and bad news is that you drunkenly filled your fridge with Shamrock shakes.

Libra:  Your doctor will assure you that shitting green for longer than a week is not normal, even if you’re Irish.

Scorpio:  You’re finally turn old enough not to be recognized in that porno you made.

Sagittarius:  You’ll be forced to explain to a hungover Easter Bunny that he’s about a month too early.

Capricorn:  Despite your pleas at the liquor store, they won’t discount Irish Whiskey after the holiday like CVS does with Valentine’s Day candy.

Aquarius:  You’ll finally find your jacket at the party and its pockets full of vomit.

Pisces:  You’ll realize that your book is part of a series and that Irish people have their own book.