If your birthday is this week:  Your fish-flavored birthday cake is a huge hit with your guests, but your cats didn’t have anywhere else to be anyway.

Aries:  The sex advice you get is valid, but your grocer really feels uncomfortable giving it to you.

Taurus:  A ref will call you for traveling, but fortunately he’s actually just a homeless guy in a striped shirt, but it does make your walk across the parking lot weird.

Gemini:  The Vatican enjoys your popemobile design, but insists .50 cal machine guns are not the way the pontiff wants to go.

Lemini:  Either the witch lifts her curse or you just had a rash, either or.

Cancer:  The massage parlor informs you again that they won’t accept your coupon.

Leo:  You will get a visit from a friend’s relative because you’re friend’s not very interesting to visit.

Virgo:  You have Netflix and chill with yourself, but feel cheap later.

Libra:  Batman will shout at you to move your car, but you’ll get flustered and the Joker gets away.

Scorpio:  Despite sex with the pizza delivery person, they forget the garlic knots.

Sagittarius:  The stars say, your resume will be rejected by the Trump Administration because you’re not “fireable” enough.

Capricorn:  You’ll invent a new luncheon meat called “Balonehamfish”.

Aquarius:  Your mailman will explained for the umpteenth time that he doesn’t know why you don’t get any emails.

Pisces:  You’ll discover that the suicide rate amongst your employees at your All-Elderly Bikini Waxing Shop is unusually high.