If your birthday is this week:  You conclude that you didn’t get a surprise birthday party because the Russian interfered.

Aries:  The ghost of Rick James will ask you to play those episodes of the Chappelle Show in your DVR.

Taurus:  You’ll become the first person ever to break up on a speed date.

Gemini:  Your masseuse accidentally gives you a depressing ending.

Lemini:  The doctor tells you that your weekly bypass surgery may be an indication that you’re not very healthy.

Cancer:  YouTube tells you that if your videos don’t start getting better, they’re going to give you negative hits and force you to watch other videos.

Leo:  Guy Fieri comes to your kitchen because your food is greasy enough to be in an episode of Diners, Dives and Drive-Thrus.

Virgo:  The squirrels in your yard leave you an intimidating note about getting gluten free snacks in the bird feeder.

Libra:  You will start a home for former evil clowns.

Scorpio:  Your Scrabble game ends up like it always does, with you giving all the other players a handjob.

Sagittarius:  You may have to clean your fridge, since all the flies buzzing around it are finally dead.

Capricorn:  Your old guidance counselor confronts you in the supermarket and demands to know why you’re not an astronaut.

Aquarius:  Your old kung-fu master will return to teach you his final move, how to ask a waitress out without looking like a creep.

Pisces:  You’ll feast upon your enemies entrails, which is good, because most of your enemies are Peeps.