If your birthday is this week:  Your birthday posts will contain nothing but complaints about your sexually explicit party favors.

Aries:  You’ll be touched by an angel and then later have to report him to the cops.

Taurus:  Your monkey escapes again and this time, he steals your girlfriend.

Gemini:  You will eat some pot brownies much to the anger of the cops that guard that evidence room.

Lemini:  The stars say, stop whacking it under the skylight.  The stars can’t unsee that.

Cancer:  You learn that next time, you should cut off the skin and top of a pineapple before eating it.

Leo:  You’re just one guitar lesson short of being that annoying guy that keeps playing Wonder Wall in the dorm.

Virgo:  You’ll pick up a hitchhiker, but half way through the ride he’ll get scared and jump out of the car.

Libra:  The green M&M is stalking you.

Scorpio:  The guy at the drug store suggests you buy KY in bulk for savings.

Sagittarius:  Facebook informs you that it can’t filter stupidity, so it asks you to stop posting.

Capricorn:  You’ll get to the store too late, there are no more Tom Brady voodoo dolls left.

Aquarius:  The cops will knock down your door because one of them has to go to the bathroom really bad.

Pisces:  This week, you’ll be informed that vodka and cranberry juice doesn’t count as cold medicine.