If your birthday is this week:  Your surprise party is a surprise since no one tells you where it is and you won’t hear about it until next week.

Aries:  Your “Sandwich of the Week” service gets shut down on tuna fish week.

Taurus:  Your Star Wars cosplay isn’t welcomed at the produce stand.

Gemini:  The stars say, your pizza will be late because the pizza guy is stopping off to buy his meth.

Lemini:  You’ll be mugged by a Muppet who is down on his luck.

Cancer:  Don’t go to the zoo, the monkeys will break out and take you hostage.

Leo:  You’ll discover that caramel makes a terrible pizza topping.

Virgo:  Your Frankenstein monster sues you for child support.

Libra:  The doctor says you don’t have a rash, you’re a werewolf.

Scorpio:  The escort service will tell you to take a break.

Sagittarius:  Your doctor says your healthy, but you really should buy better clothes.

Capricorn:  You will discover that selling snowcones shouldn’t be scooped off the front lawn and you should probably have flavoring with it.

Aquarius:  Despite your petition, Websters’ will not add “shit weasels” to the dictionary.

Pisces:  You’ll eat your weight in cupcakes this week.