If your birthday is this week:  Your friends get a deal on your birthday cake and it’s made up of other, abandoned cakes from the bakery with the names crossed out.

Aries:  You’ll be mistaken for Drake and then be mistake for a drake, both time you’ll get breadcrumbs for free.

Taurus:  You’ll walk in on your toys talking, being alive and ordering a ton of toy porn.

Gemini:  You’ll make a new friend, but he’s an evil clown.

Lemini:  Your new co-worker is the crazy killer from Saw, but so far, he changes the coffee filter and makes the coffee so you’re cool with him.

Cancer:  A group of freelance EMT’s will mistakenly give you CPR and then ask for a tip.

Leo:  The stars say, it’s perfectly natural for your dog to bark at the screen every time Ellen comes on.

Virgo:  Your roommate continues to rant about his ex and insist that the blow up doll factory should have to take her back.

Libra:  Your Pokemon demand a livable wage.

Scorpio:  Although snowed in, you still manage to sex and get two different online STD’s.

Sagittarius:  Your Christmas shopping doesn’t go so well, as no one in the museum seems to want to take your cash.

Capricorn:  Although you’re alone and bitter, you make up for it by being self-righteous and a total prick online.

Aquarius:  Your Risk game ends in another shoot out with the cops, maybe read the rules next time.

Pisces:  You will discover too late that milkshakes are not a viable commodity and be forced to sell the tanker truck.