If your birthday is this week:  Your birthday will be funky, mostly because of the smell coming from that moldy birthday cake.

Aries:  You’ll find out your dinner isn’t sushi, the chef just didn’t cook your food.

Taurus:  Your cat will sue you for alimony and leave you for a cat lady.

Gemini:  The stars say, don’t eat those gumballs, they’re actually just mislabeled rubber balls.

Lemini:  Your Tinder date will apologize for lighting you on fire.

Cancer:  You’ll finally get a response to your letters from Santa and he apologies for being so late to get back to you.

Leo:  Your high school gym coach will call to remind you that you’re a worthless piece of crap that can’t play dodgeball.

Virgo: Russians comes to your house and demands your Facebook password so they can make your like Vladimir Putin’s band.

Libra:  An old flame will come back into your life to borrow your dust buster.

Scorpio:  You’ll become aroused in the produce section again.

Sagittarius:  Organizing Karoke night at the public library turns out to be a bad idea.

Capricorn:  You will find an unusual about of butter in your sheets this week.

Aquarius:  You’ll be kicked in the nads by an old acquaintance you haven’t seen in years!

Pisces:  You’ll use your psychic abilities to steal predictions from another psychic.