If your birthday is this week:  You will find out that your birthday cake isn’t hurricane proof.

Aries:  Your comic book collection floats for a while, but eventually sinks along with everything else in your living room.

Taurus:  You can’t believe it’s not butter, but it is.

Gemini:  Your trampoline will blow away in the storm, but three more from other yards will take it’s place.

Lemini:  The stars say, it’s too late to evacuate for the hurricane and hunkering down in the knife store probably isn’t the best idea either.

Cancer:  You’ll invent a new video game based on taking a shit, but everyone will have trouble wiping with their controller.

Leo:  You’ll get turned around during the hurricane and accidentally loot your own house.

Virgo:  Your side business will be adversely hurt by the hurricane, because almost no one buys crack during a storm.

Libra:  Your allergies won’t bother you during the hurricane because you’re not allergic to being trapped on the roof after a flood.

Scorpio:  You’ll discover that sex in a hurricane literally blows.

Sagittarius:  You’ll discover, spraying your tits with Flex Seal doesn’t make an instant poncho.

Capricorn:  This week, your trip to Disneyworld will be self-serve.

Aquarius:  Your commute to work gets four blocks shorter because your house floats that way.

Pisces:  You don’t live in Florida, so you have a very dry week watching the news.