If your birthday is this week:  You birthday cake will come in the mail.

Aries:  You’ll bowl a 200 game, but get disqualified for picking up spares with your sidearm.

Taurus:  You’ll drink enough Koolaid to turn your pee pink for a week.

Gemini:  The stars say, lighten up.  Your coworkers filling your lungs with packing peanuts while you nap is just a joke.

Lemini:  You’ll find out the CIA is hacking your vending machine so you get nothing but Sprite.

Cancer:  You will meet a little person, but he’ll insist you’re a giant.

Leo:  The Tinder app will get you laid, but then demand $400 for “his bitch”.

Virgo:  A girl scout will mug you for your wallet and then dump a box a macaroons on your head as you writhe on the ground in pain.

Libra:  Work will take you to interesting places if you consider Chili’s in two different state interesting.

Scorpio:  You will get laid in the last public phone booth.

Sagittarius:  You’ll make an origami crane and lift a car out of a ditch with it.

Capricorn:  The stewardess will insist you stow your gorilla suit for the duration of the flight.

Aquarius:  Your next pizza topping will be Jelly Beans.

Pisces:  You’ll follow the advice of the dog and eat that thing you found on the floor.