If your birthday is this week:  You’ll win the lottery, but then remember that you’re getting divorced and tear up the ticket.

Aries:  You’ll catch a leprechaun, but he won’t have any gold because of his gambling problem.

Taurus:  A group of girl scouts will shake you down to buy cookies, but only sell you empty boxes.

Gemini:  Your boss will inform you that you can get the raise if you can think of the number he’s thinking of.

Lemini:  You will get fingered in an abandoned laundry mat.

Cancer:  You’ll get a great deal on a used track suit at a Mafia discount store, but the pockets will be full of cocaine.

Leo:  You will find a message in a bottle that was sent C.O.D.

Virgo:  The stars say, your next 18 calls will be telemarketers, but the 19th call will be the telemarketer of your dreams!

Libra:  You’ll order a Coke, but they’ll bring you a Pepsi, which is pretty good since you’re in an auto parts store at the time.

Scorpio:  You will get an STD from a mailbox.

Sagittarius:  Your personal trainer treats you to a day out and a box of Twinkies again.

Capricorn:  You’ll discover a new Pokemon sleeping in your trashcans and smoking PCP.

Aquarius:  You’ll be abducted by Mormons and forced to toil in their Bible mines.

Pisces:  You’ll dream of electric sheep.