If your birthday is this week:  STFU until the game is over!  Who cares how old you are!

Aries:  You’ll face a lot of heartbreak and strife this week, mainly because you’re a Falcons fan.

Taurus:  Your three bean dip will be the source for many stinky farts and several nasty sharts, so put down some plastic over your couch.

Gemini:  You’ll discover that no matter how close you get to the TV, you can’t tell if Brady deflated the ball or not.

Lemini:  This year, you’ll spend less time masturbating during the half time show, mostly because of all the people in the room that are watching the game with you.

Cancer:  You’ll discover that guacamole is a poor projectile to throw at the ref on your TV.

Leo:  You’ll realize that your bet on the Patriots isn’t valid, because that guy you met in a Subway isn’t a licensed bookie or wallet inspector.

Virgo:  Your attempt to call Tom Brady to tell him to do a lateral pass is met with voice mail again.

Libra:  Your attempt to upstage Gaga’s half time show by wearing meat goes over well.

Scorpio:  After many years, your porn watching is actually slowing down the Internet by 1%, give your genitals a rest.

Sagittarius:  You’ll find yourself peeing in a trough, then realize you’re home in your living room and that you have to pee trough in your house.

Capricorn:  Your guests will notice that your nachos are nothing but nacho-shaped piece of cardboard.

Aquarius:  The stars say, 21-17 Patriots over the Falcons.

Pisces:  You’ll be able to run all your errands with no traffic whatsoever.