Your Fratoscope: January 8, 2017
on January 8, 2017 at 12:01 am
If your birthday is this week: For your birthday, you’ll get nothing but bread.
Aries: The Mafia insists that the Kiss of Death was a mistake and that it just wants to be friends.
Taurus: Your robot gets his driver’s license, demands to borrow your car, but won’t run any of your errands.
Gemini: You will finally stop checking to see if the new season of Rick and Morty has started yet and wait for the announcement like everyone else.
Lemini: Don’t worry, things will be different this year. Not better, but different.
Cancer: A baby will pick a fight with you in a McDonald’s ball pit.
Leo: You will over cook the pasta.
Virgo: Some monster will refill all your cream donuts with healthy kale.
Libra: You will be ticketed for exposure and told to wear a mask.
Scorpio: Your Tinder profile is featured in a pamphlet about sexually transmitted diseases.
Sagittarius: The stars say, shovel your walk.
Capricorn: You’ll take a record-sized bowel movement, but flush it away out of habit.
Aquarius: Romance is on the agenda, as every dog on the neighborhood seemingly wants to hump your leg.
Pisces: With the snow on the ground, it’s time to watch the three good movies on Netflix.
