If your birthday is this week:  For your birthday, you’ll get nothing but bread.

Aries:  The Mafia insists that the Kiss of Death was a mistake and that it just wants to be friends.

Taurus:  Your robot gets his driver’s license, demands to borrow your car, but won’t run any of your errands.

Gemini:  You will finally stop checking to see if the new season of Rick and Morty has started yet and wait for the announcement like everyone else.

Lemini:  Don’t worry, things will be different this year.  Not better, but different.

Cancer:  A baby will pick a fight with you in a McDonald’s ball pit.

Leo:  You will over cook the pasta.

Virgo:  Some monster will refill all your cream donuts with healthy kale.

Libra:  You will be ticketed for exposure and told to wear a mask.

Scorpio:  Your Tinder profile is featured in a pamphlet about sexually transmitted diseases.

Sagittarius:  The stars say, shovel your walk.

Capricorn:  You’ll take a record-sized bowel movement, but flush it away out of habit.

Aquarius:  Romance is on the agenda, as every dog on the neighborhood seemingly wants to hump your leg.

Pisces:  With the snow on the ground, it’s time to watch the three good movies on Netflix.