If your birthday is this week:  For your birthday, you’ll get a bike and get named to Trump’s cabinet.

Aries:  When life gives you lemons, you chuck the lemons at people, so life has had it with your shit.

Taurus:  You will be on a Japanese game show where you’ll lose a finger, but gain a Ford Taurus.

Gemini:  The stars say, that the cleaning crew in your office building rubs the stuff on your desk on their butts.

Lemini:  You’ll regret giving an Uber ride to T.J. Miller.

Cancer:  Your car won’t start until you agree to stop farting inside it.

Leo:  Not only do you fail to get rid of the moles in your backyard, the moles start a meth lab.

Virgo:  This week, be prepared for surprises because no one wants to finish writing your

Libra:  You’ll get a great deal on a cellphone, but it will be the size of a clipboard.

Scorpio:  You will become sexually aroused by an ad while riding mass transit, but won’t finish because your stop comes up too soon.

Sagittarius:  The Land o’ Lakes mascot will cut you off in traffic driving her buttermobile.

Capricorn:  You’ll receive free pancakes in the mail.

Aquarius:  After taking a week off from work, no one will notice you’ve been gone.

Pisces:  You’ll leave a party with the wrong coat, but that’s okay, the car keys in the pocket fit a better car.