Bad news.  Life expectancy in the U.S. is falling.  Here now are Ten Things I Expect now that we’re all going to die.

  1.  Jackass version of the X-Games.
  2.  Fried long pig added to McDonald’s menu.
  3.  New reality show based on The Purge movies.
  4.  Curbside corpse pick up included with trash pick up.
  5.  Futurama to license suicide booths.
  6.  Donald Trump to be re-elected.
  7.  Soylet Green shakes served in restaurants instead of water.
  8.  Lots of people to say, “Fuck recycling.”
  9.  Texted wills totally legal.
  10.  Finally, traffic dies down.