If your birthday is this week:  Donald Trump stops by your birthday party and takes a huge slice of cake for a new “birthday tax” he’s imposing.

Aries:  You’ll start stalking your turkey for Thanksgiving, eyeing him across a field, pointing at your eyes and then to his.

Taurus:  You’ll spend most of the week high, but you can’t be sure.

Gemini:  The stars say, you get more flies with honey than vinegar, but the stars also say, why the fuck do you want flies?

Lemini:  Your Hillary stickers, sign and hats finally arrive in the mail.

Cancer:  You’ll masturbate until your hands are sore, your genitals chapped and your picture of Rob Lowe is sticky and moist.

Leo:  This week at breakfast, your pancakes will be shaped like the face of Jesus and your bacon like the legs of Jonah Hill.

Virgo:  Batman will rescue you from some muggers and then ask you to fill out a Justice League comment card.  You’ll decline.

Libra:  You’ll lose at Solitaire and owe yourself over eight thousand dollars.

Scorpio:  You’ll turn the newspaper boy into a newspaper man.

Sagittarius:  Don’t bother throwing out that old lasagna now, in another week it grows an appendage and crawls away.

Capricorn:  After sharing your political views, you’ll get a Facebook request to STFU.

Aquarius:  Your dog finally comes clean and reveals that he peed on the carpet and owes Russian gangsters money he can’t pay.

Pisces:  You’ll awakened refreshed all week, but then realize you keep getting visited by the molester gnomes in your sleep.