Super Frat

If your birthday is this week:  Your cat will cancel your birthday party so you’ll have more time for petting.

Aries:  You will eat nothing but left Twix bars, but then realize “left” is only relative to how you picked up the candy in the first place.

Taurus:  Your attempt to Trick or Treat a week early is met with a mixed reaction and little candy.

Gemini:  The band, Jane’s Addiction, reunites on your front lawn and then, just as quickly, breaks up.

Lemini:  Hillary Clinton will tie you to a chair and beat you on the shins until you answer the question, “Are you my bitch?!” to her satisfaction.

Cancer:  The stars say, they can see that Frisbee on your roof.

Leo:  Take charge this week!  Everyone else stuck on the life boat is passed out from dehydration anyway.

Virgo:  Check your poop, it’s full of rubies for some reason.

Libra:  A high pressure salesman will get you to buy the Los Angeles Clippers on your credit card.

Scorpio:  You will be manhandled by a customer service rep.

Sagittarius:  You’ll see Donald Trump being thrown out of a tanning salon where he’ll beg the manager for just “five more minutes”.

Capricorn:  Your mailman will accidentally bring you junk mail from the future.

Aquarius:  You’ll find that missing hotel in Monopoly when you accidentally step on it walking to the bathroom at three in the morning.

Pisces:  The Cheeseburger Fairy insists that you owe her over $40 for her last visit.