If your birthday is this week:  Your birthday cake will come to life and insist you wish for something different.

Aries:  Your barber assures you a “joke haircut” is all the rage.

Taurus:  Your online avatar will max out all your credit cards.

Gemini:  Either you’re going to find a dollar on the street or someone will find your 1995 tax return where you reported a loss of a billion dollars.

Lemini:  This week, your waiter will insist you get your own food since you “look like you need the exercise”.

Cancer:  You will discover that attempting to switch lanes while buttering a biscuit in rush hour traffic, makes the cop you side swipe even madder when he finally pulls you over.

Leo:  Your Facebook profile will attempt to delete you.

Virgo:  The stars say, Michael Keaton will show up at your house, insisting you said his name three times.

Libra:  Good news, your poker rival is bluffing.  He hasn’t got a good hand, he’s just planning to mug you when the card game is over.

Scorpio:  You’ll adjust someone else’s junk at a soccer game.

Sagittarius:  You’ll try a new ice cream flavor the server calls “Chocolate Sock”.

Capricorn:  Siri will notify you that your political post on Facebook is a waste of your phone’s battery.

Aquarius:  You’ll make the last Star Wars reference that anyone wants to ever see on the Internet.

Pisces:  Your Pokemons in Pokémon Go will demand health benefits.