If your birthday is this week:  Your birthday Spiderman will actually be Tobey Maguire and he will need a ride home.

Aries:  Your shuffleboard game ends in a fist fight, again.

Taurus:  Your professor will admit that he’s never seen anyone drink that many beers at their first class.

Gemini:  You’ll discover a cure for the common cold, but the cure requires being raped by a yeti.

Lemini:  The stars say, don’t give up, if your meth dealer can make meth, so can you.

Cancer:  Manage your cough drops, the gnomes are back.

Leo:  The voices in your head take a vote and decide that they hate the sweater.

Virgo:  The Jolly Green Giant comes to your house and insists that your supermarket coupon is expired.

Libra:  Your friend in the Clinton campaign asks if you still can get a hold of anti-psychotic medication for “no reason”.

Scorpio:  You will make sweet love to Donald Trump’s hair piece.

Sagittarius:  Your fortune cookie fortune will insist that the fortunes coming out of the bathroom scale are wrong.

Capricorn:  You’ll finally learn Mandarin, but forget English.

Aquarius:  You’ll buy some shoes and live the rest of your boring-ass week.

Pisces:  Adventure is around every corner, mostly because you won’t stop playing Pokémon Go.