If your birthday is this week:  Your birthday cake explodes and your fireworks display is super mild.

Aries:  Your GPS leads you to a dead hooker and then displays the message, “You gotta help me, man!”

Taurus:  You’ll be haunted by a ghost that only appears to watch you masturbate.

Gemini:  You’ll go to Philadelphia and immediately search for what all American tourist look for, Mac’s Tavern.

Lemini:  The stars say, buy a new lighter or you will have an odd number of fingers by the end of this weekend.

Cancer:  Your barbecue goes off as planned you and eat 20 lbs. of steak alone.

Leo:  Testing your pool party host’s pool to see if the water turns blue when you pee in it is a bad idea, especially when you pee from outside the pool.

Virgo:  You will eat eight kinds of meat at your barbecue.

Libra:  Don’t plan too much this weekend, you’ll be stuck in traffic until Arbor Day.

Scorpio:  You’ll see Independence Day: Resurgence, but only because you’re Roland Emmerich.

Sagittarius:  A Predator comes to your barbecue, but he gets too drunk to hunt you.

Capricorn:  This week, wear flame-retardant clothing.  The guy lighting your fireworks is near-sighted.

Aquarius:  You’ll see a passive aggressive tone in everything you read because you just have to be that way, don’t you?

Pisces:  You’ll correct someone’s grammar on the Internet…with a vengeance!