If your birthday is this week:  A party clown named “Punchy” will punch everyone at your party, meaning that he will serve them punch, which is weird because no one invited or hired him.

Aries:  Everyone finds out that you didn’t win an Oscar and winning Oscar Meyer deli meats doesn’t have the same cache.

Taurus:  Your video game wife files for divorce and gets half of all your mushrooms and custody of the Koopas.

Gemini: You will be approached by the Men in Black, who will tell you not to read Your Fratoscope because it will remind you of their encounter, forcing them to return to lobotomize you.

Lemini:  This week, change your pants.

Cancer:  The stars say, don’t bother slowing down, you drive like an asshole so at least you can do is be on time.

Leo:  Make peace with your enemies this week, it’s a perfect way to divert the cops’ suspicion after they all die.

Virgo:  You’ll suddenly realize that you’ve forgotten the taste of malt.

Libra:  You will get mugged by the cast of Fuller House, but it will be mildly hilarious.

Scorpio:  You don’t have sex this week, but you will get screwed by your cable TV provider as usual.

Sagittarius:  Love is in the air, but Superman doesn’t feel the same way about you.

Capricorn:  The planets are aligned to give you a good week, but one planet sends you a threatening email planning unalign unless you pay.

Aquarius:  This week, you will get a special visitor, if you consider head lice a visitor.

Pisces:  You’ll fall asleep during your taxes and update your blog in the middle of the afternoon the next day.