If your birthday is this week:  Your s’mores will be good, so you’ll have s’more.

Aries:  You future grandchild travels back to the past to thank you for your recycling and to borrow $60.

Taurus:  Take a page from your grandfather’s book because that’s where he has all his Swiss bank account numbers written.

Gemini:  You’ll take an arousing cab ride.

Lemini:  The stars say, stop getting high all the time, you’re really cutting into your drinking time.

Cancer:  You’ll discover that most of the screaming in the next apartment was due to expired milk…which led to a murder.

Leo:  The ghost of Gary Busey will come to you, explain he’s not dead and then laugh manically for 20 straight minutes.

Virgo:  You’ll purchase an obscene weather vane.

Libra:  You’re feeling restless today, so don’t fight it, besides you only have about 20 minutes to get out of that coffin before you’re out of air.

Scorpio:  You’ll make sweet love to your favorite Family Guy character.

Sagittarius:  McDonald’s will offer a sandwich named after you called “The Loserwich”.

Capricorn:  Bernie Sanders will promise you a free cheeseburger if you vote for him.

Aquarius:  The gun store refuses to sell to you because you look far too “shootable”.

Pisces:  You’ll lose your underwear in a very Japanese poker game.