If your birthday is this week:  The birthday clown that came to your party as a kid shows up and begs you for a gig so he can score some clown heroin.

Aries:  You’ll discover that your favorite beef jerky is actually made in China from process barber hair.

Taurus:  You’ll get hit in the eyeballs by an errant Frisbee.

Gemini:  The stars say, just pick a meal.  No one as indecisive as you should ever get in a drive thru.

Lemini:  Your boat trip ends after the boat is miraculously hit by two different cars on a highway.  Maybe you should’ve paid attention in boating class.

Cancer:  Your waiter is spitting in your food, but not in the way you asked.

Leo:  After an accident at camp, you’ll bury your soiled undies in the woods, but don’t worry.  Your dog brings them back.

Virgo:  You’ll decide that your horoscope is bullshit.

Scorpio:  Everyone at the adult book store will share a plate of wings with a strange tasting blue cheese dressing.

Sagittarius:  A homeless man will greenlight your screenplay and Tom Sizemore immediately signs on as the lead.

Capricorn:  You’ll accidentally date your grocer.

Aquarius:  Several boy scouts will forcibly help you across the street and then shake you down for a tip.

Pisces:  You’ll notice a tremendous amount of hot trim hanging out at Dunkin Donuts for some reason.