Your Fratoscope: August 9, 2015
on August 9, 2015 at 12:01 am
If your birthday is this week: Your ice cream birthday cake will be made from a unique flavor called chocolate-chip salmon.
Aries: Your portable pizza parlor business runs into a problem, as the patent office refuses to patent Italians.
Taurus: You will get a surprise prostate exam.
Gemini: The stars say, you should cut out some of the red meat you’ve been eating, starting by using bread instead of hamburgers for sandwiches.
Lemini: Your check book isn’t balanced since “Jello” is not a numerical answer.
Cancer: This week will be busy for you, as your mountain guide will finally abandon you for not tipping 15%.
Leo: You will discover a safety deposit box full of Jello.
Virgo: It’s okay to hit on 17, the next card is a three.
Scorpio: You will enjoy an incredibly sensual subway ride.
Sagittarius: You’ll prove that everyone in Dallas during the Kennedy assassination was born grainy.
Capricorn: You’ll genetically crossbreed asparagus with Ryan Seacrest.
Aquarius: This week, prepare to travel as you’ll fall asleep on a boogie board and start drifting out to sea.
Pisces: You’ll visit a winery and complain, turning it into a whinery.
It’s only on to hit on 17 if you’re young enough for it not to be creepy.
And that depends on the state you find yourself in.