If your birthday is this week:  Your ice cream birthday cake will be made from a unique flavor called chocolate-chip salmon.

Aries:  Your portable pizza parlor business runs into a problem, as the patent office refuses to patent Italians.

Taurus:  You will get a surprise prostate exam.

Gemini:  The stars say, you should cut out some of the red meat you’ve been eating, starting by using bread instead of hamburgers for sandwiches.

Lemini:  Your check book isn’t balanced since “Jello” is not a numerical answer.

Cancer:  This week will be busy for you, as your mountain guide will finally abandon you for not tipping 15%.

Leo:  You will discover a safety deposit box full of Jello.

Virgo:  It’s okay to hit on 17, the next card is a three.

Scorpio:  You will enjoy an incredibly sensual subway ride.

Sagittarius:  You’ll prove that everyone in Dallas during the Kennedy assassination was born grainy.

Capricorn:  You’ll genetically crossbreed asparagus with Ryan Seacrest.

Aquarius:  This week, prepare to travel as you’ll fall asleep on a boogie board and start drifting out to sea.

Pisces:  You’ll visit a winery and complain, turning it into a whinery.